The current mood of Zaxon at

Feburary 10th, 2023.

Coding is such a frustrating endeavor for me.

Those who have the minds of coders always fascinated me: those who think in numbers and words in stacks, who see the world in grids and patterns. People who could see a blank page and understand where to go to create a whole website from scratch. It's inspiring to me.

The way I think is inspiring to other people I've heard: or at least confusing. I cannot think in language. I don't even have an internal "dialog": whenever I hear voices it is hallucinatory. However this makes it so I can create movement in anything I do, whether that be drawing or writing. I see the way everything snakes through the world, leaving nonvisible paths. Sadly, this doesn't help me write in beautiful prose like I wish it would.

I've been trying to accomplish "Learn One New Word or Phrase Every Day", but I have only learned 1 word... one singular word. Of course I'm disappointed in myself! Being ignorant to the world around me is my greatest fear, and knowing language is an important part in staying unignorant. Not in the way that it makes you "smarter", but understanding the way language moves, how people speak, is how you understand those around you. Even learning a new "tween abbreviation" can help you stay unignorant.

Working on this website today was annoying, if only because I do not speak in coders' language. I don't speak in any language but my own (and maybe the language of birds). Even throughout this post I know I have used words that don't exist. I know I spelled things wrong or worded things wrong: but that's the beauty of what I'm trying to do. This is purely me, not worrying about engagement or followers or my impression on strangers. I am being an unwavered Me.